
As I made my way through airport security at O'Hare, I heard meowing. Since I have a talent for attracting cats at airports, this did not strike me as unusual. Once at the Indira Gandhi International Airport in Delhi, a stray cat who had
somehow gotten past security forced his company on me for two hours, even as I attempted to lose him in the duty-free shop.
The O'Hare cat was meowing anxiously from inside a designer caddy. His owner, a willowy woman who goo-gooed to him in Spanish, took him out so that they could cuddle their way through the metal detector together. Her accent, belted coat, and gold bling gave her away as a resident of Mexico City. This cat was going to be on my flight.
I was first annoyed, because of my allergy and general disdain for cats. But then I sensed an opportunity. I looked at my ticket: 34E, one of the worst seats on the plane. Located in the back, it meant I would be last to exit, and therefore last in line for the nightmarishly bureaucratic experience of clearing Mexico City airport immigration. Please let Cat Lady be my seat mate, I prayed.
Sure enough, when I threw my bag under seat 34E on the plane, I heard meowing from so close that it instantly triggered my body to assume a pre-sneeze position. I whirled around and, to my delight, Cat Lady was sitting directly behind me—In 35E, the Absolute Worst Seat on the Plane. Her carry-on was meowing woefully, and likely getting ready to poop, directly below my seat.
After a failed attempt to start a friendly conversation with Cat Lady (I opened by asking her if she drugged him for the trip), I instead tried to smile warmly and hoped that would make up for what I was about to do. When the flight attendant came around, I whispered to her that there was a cat on the plane, that I was very allergic and I didn't mean to be a bother, but I would be happy to move to a different seat if that was possible?
Cat Lady overheard me and, now onto my little scheme, interrupted to tell the flight attendant that SHE would gladly volunteer to move to a different seat instead. The people in her row rolled their eyes at this, openly acknowledging the fact we all hated our seats. The flight attendant assured us she would see to this immediately after takeoff.
Within 15 minutes, I was eating carrot cake in first class.
"Well somebody lucked out for having allergies!" exclaimed a new flight attendant loudly while pouring my drink, reminding me and everyone else that I was still technically riffraff. Even though I was served dinner last, I happily told my story of upward mobility to my seatmates, who were nowhere near as excited as I'd hoped.
I sank back into my seat and comforted my itchy eyes with a steamed towel that had been thrown into my lap, realizing I had managed to annoy everyone on an airplane. After all, my advancement to first class required that I pass every single row....except 35, and they all knew exactly where I was.
When we landed, I was the first to exit, thank God. I dashed to the immigration desk, more grateful than ever for the chance to avoid the lines, since Cat Lady would be among them.